I hate it. I absolutely hate being upset with someone who doesn’t know what they did. It drives me even crazier that they don’t know too! Then there’s the spiral from being upset at that someone to being mad that I’m mad at all. There’s a sort of blinding frustration that creeps up on me as I make my way through the stages of this craziness.
Thankfully I can say this doesn’t happen to me often. I’ve always taken the approach of letting things roll off my back but not all things…not ALL things. It’s happening again now, for the last few weeks. Scratch that, it’s been happening for months. Although I guess I wouldn’t say ‘happening’ as much as building.
This morning, at maybe 4 a.m., I woke to the sound of my roommate getting ready for work. I listened to the light switch flip, the bathroom door opening, the shower starting up and I just fumed. Not at my roommate though. Poor girl gets enough of my insanity on nearly a daily basis.
No, I fumed at a friend hundreds of miles away. There’s a state sitting between us and I cursed at that too. At first I simply thought over all the hurt I had been feeling. The long periods between calls, the lack of interest in my life, my laughable attempts to maintain a connection over so much space- I pondered all of it over and over and over again.
Most of all, I seethed over that useless, fake, controlling, self-important, narcissistic, egotistical, pushy, fugly, lying, ho-bag bully my friend had let back into her life.
It became like a rotten sticky song in my head, clinging to the side of my skull at the edge of my brain, in that space you can’t quite reach to claw away the repeating words. God! They spun around again kicking me right behind the eyes.
5:30 a.m. and I was still tossing and turning away. Finally I had to give in. Lying on my side I let the tidal wave flow over. First, I imagined a cute little email inbox. Clicking “Compose” with my imaginary mouse, I started forming the words I wanted so badly to say.
They started surprisingly slow at first. An explanation about how hard my move to another state had been. Then I followed it up with a description as to how alone I felt and how her inability to even give me two minutes of her day more than once a month was really starting to jam the knife home in my chest.
Feeling bad about the harshness of my words I softened a bit, recalling all the good times we had had in the past. I sprinkled in how I had always tried so hard to not let her feel bullied or belittled in our friendship.
It was getting hard to write at this point. I wanted to abandon the email in my head in a Draft folder and walk away. Instead I steeled my teeth and I squeezed my eyes tight and I wrote it: When you took her back, when you made excuses for her, you hurt me. You hurt me a lot and you don’t seem to care at all. What are we supposed to do from here? How do I forgive you?
As I got up out of bed, I stared inwardly at that mental email. Even in my head I couldn’t press send. So I wrote this instead. I wrote this overview and as I type I pray- How do I forgive her?